119: How to Decide If Kids Are Part of Your Big Creative Life

 

Deciding whether or not to have kids is a huge part of your big creative life! I talk about what helped me decide after being on the fence for years. Plus, hear my birth story & what I'd tell anyone expecting their first baby. 

 

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HOW TO DECIDE IF KIDS ARE PART OF YOUR BIG CREATIVE LIFE

Hello, welcome to your big creative life. Welcome to an episode that is gonna get a little personal, I'm gonna get get into it. But I've had this in the back of my mind for a while because it is a really big component of your big creative life like making this decision on if you want to have kids or not. First of all, I want to say in case you're in this place of struggling and wrestling and really not being sure that is okay. When I was on the fence, and I really wasn't sure, I felt like it was almost shameful to talk about that. Because so often people who have known their whole lives that they want to be parents talk about it as this thing that you just know, like, it's either a hell yes. And if it's not a Hell, yes, it's a hell no. And, yeah, I just felt kind of like this guilt and shame for even wrestling with it. And I thought that well, if I'm not 100% Sure, yet, like, Does this mean that I'm just not meant to be a parent?

 

Does this mean that this is no, I really wrestled with a lot of that. And I felt kind of embarrassed to talk about it with people. So if that is you, it is okay to wrestle with it. It is okay to not be sure. This is a big life decision. Like it's, it's, in some ways, I think it's really good that I wrestled with it, because it shows that I wasn't just deciding randomly and like, Well, okay, I guess I'll have kids because that's what you know, society, unfortunately, still expects the default to be for people. I'm glad that I wrestled with it and got to a place where I ultimately decided it was something that I really wanted.

 

So just to say that you know, it, it's okay, that you're in that place, don't let anyone convince you otherwise, it says nothing about you as a person, it says nothing about what kind of parents you're going to be if you do eventually decide to have kids. And if not, if you decide, and I'm deciding that you're meant to be child free, that's fabulous and amazing. I have always said when I when I talk about this, which I've talked a little bit about this on social media before, that, I could always see two versions of my life, I could see a version of my life where I had one or two kids. And I was very happy with Sam, my husband unfulfilled and content. And I could also see a version where we didn't have kids, and I was very happy and fulfilled and content.

 

So this was never something that I felt like I absolutely have to do above all else, or else my life will not be complete. I never had that strong of an urge. Not that, you know, I definitely had a strong urge. And it was something that I wanted for sure. And I am going to talk a little bit about our journey to getting to this point. And there is going to be a little bit of discussion of infertility. So just a heads up if you are navigating that right now or you don't want to hear about that. Just want to give you a little warning. It's yeah, it's a big decision. And so my own kind of journey of of, I'll share my journey of getting to the point where I decided that yes, this is something that I wanted. And I'll also give you some tips and some things that helped me decide.

 

I when I was a kid, you know, I thought in a vague way, it'd be fun to have a really big family. My both of my parents come from big families. I grew up with two siblings, I have two younger brothers. My mom is the youngest of 14 kids, big farm Midwestern farm family. And my dad is the third of eight kids. And so growing up knowing that I always thought oh, it'd be so fun to have that many kids like it'd be just so fun to be in house with that many people like I just thought that would be fun. But it was always in a vague sort of abstract like, oh, wouldn't that be fun, and then I never really took it any further than that.

 

Then when I got to college and throughout, like basically all of my 20s, I was firmly, firmly had decided that I was not going to have kids, I didn't want kids. I didn't enjoy being around kids. I didn't enjoy babies. Nothing about that was appealing to me. I in fact, if I could have made the decision, like a permanent decision to not have kids in my 20s I, like actually gone through with it, I think I would have because I was so sure that this was never going to change. I was so sure. And it was sure at that point because I was a very different person in my 20s I was still actively drinking. And to be honest. I mean, I didn't acknowledge this to myself at the time, but I knew when I was still drinking that there was no way I could not drink for nine months. Like while I was pregnant, I just knew. So maybe that kind of factored into my decision as well. At least subconsciously. I never admitted that to myself. But that was a that was a component of it. So when Sam and I started dating in my late 20s I was 27/28.

 

I just turned 28 When we started dating we you know kind of talked briefly about kids as you do when you're starting to date someone and then definitely have more conversations about it as we got more serious. And I was like pretty against it. But there was a small opening that happened. A small bit of possibility because of Sam. Because I finally was in a relationship with someone where I could see having kids with them. And I had never been in that type of relationship before where I felt that strongly about someone. I mean, I knew from the get go that Sam was my person, I knew that we were going to that he was it.

 

I just had a certainty about him and about us, I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with them, like pretty early on. And I could see having a child with him, I could see that for the first time ever, it didn't mean I was committed didn't mean I wanted to, but I could at least see it as a possibility because I knew he would be a good dad. And I knew that he was someone that I could partner with in this raising a child thing. And that he would be a good person if I were ever going to do it. Like he's the guy, right. So we got engaged, got married when I was 31. And we when we got married, we were both on the fence about it, which I think was important for us to be on the same page, if he had really strongly wanted kids, or really strongly not wanted kids that probably, you know, would have had more infant influence and impact on my decision. But because we were both on the fence, and we talked about it a lot, it gave me permission to really wrestle with it, which I think helps. And I basically struggled with it until like for several years until we started trying when I was like 33 Maybe.

 

Yeah, 33. So it took a while. And I remember reading things about motherhood and parenting and listening to podcasts about people talking about this exact thing. And I didn't feel like there were many things out there where people talked about wrestling with this. So that's partly why why, again, why I want to do this episode, because I want to be like, bringing more awareness to the this that this is a fine thing to wrestle with. It doesn't, it's fine. You don't need to have any, like guilt or shame around this. So I listen to a lot of podcasts about parenting, but also like pregnancy and birth, because that's something I was absolutely batshit like terrified of I was terrified of being pregnant and giving birth.

 

And so I gathered all this data. And the other thing that I did, which is actually my first tip is to really, I really looked at the people in my life who had kids, especially people who were newer parents, like they had babies, or toddlers, or like kids under five, so they were kind of newer, in the whole parenting thing. I looked at what people were doing, I clocked it, and I made notes to myself, Okay, like, who is doing this in a way that I find appealing and right and is similar to how I would want to do this in this situation in my brain like imaginary scenario where I have kids, and then who is doing it in a way where it's not appealing and attractive to me.

 

And it's almost like I was trying it on for size. And just sitting with it. And imagining and that is definitely something I recommend doing the people in your life that you see. But then also it can also be people online, if you don't really have a lot of people in your life that have kids, it can be people online, it can be people out in public, like if you see a family, if you see a couple with a baby, or just a person with a baby, you know, try it on, like look at what they're doing what's appealing about it, what's not appealing. And for me when I was in that, just observation mode and kind of like gathering data, I discovered that for me what was appealing was moms who still worked and had a lot of ambition, and a life outside of being a mom.

 

Being a mom is a huge identity shift. And I think four months into being a mom, I still feel like I'm kind of coming to terms with this identity shift like it is massive. And I don't judge anyone who is like, in it. So 100% That that's all they want to do is it you know, is be a mom and be present for their kids and like nothing else. And that's their main identity. Great, that's totally fine. For me just again, my own experience, I knew that I wanted at least then when I was thinking again, like if I do have kids, I wanted to continue working, I wanted to still be able to work toward like the big things that I wanted to work towards my dreams, my goals, and to make sure that I had a really rich life outside of being a mom. That was very important to me.

 

And so I looked at people who are doing that and doing that in a way that I found attractive. Because the more that I saw evidence of that the more that I saw, like, Hey, this is possible to do this. The more appealing the idea of having a kid became because I could see how it would fit into my life. I could see how Sam and I would do it. And yeah, that was just that was appealing to me. The other thing, the next tip that I have, and the thing that I did that that helped us well is to really visualize your life in 1015 30 years out like what what do you envision and it's totally fine to not have specifics, I certainly don't have a lot of specifics, I have some general things that I imagine will happen when I'm I don't know, are the things that I want when I'm 50. Or when I'm 60 or 43, or whatever. I'm 37 now.

 

But thinking about my life at these different milestones, and what's in my life, at that point, and I did some meditation, I did some visualizations, thinking about my older self. And in a lot of those, I did feel a sense of like, oh, I have a, I have a child in these like visions in this meditation, where I would think about my future self, there was a child there. I knew nothing else about this, I didn't picture what they looked like, I didn't picture their gender, I didn't picture anything else. Just this kind of feeling that I my future self had, that there was a child in my life. I didn't even know how many maybe 123, I don't know.

 

But I realized through doing that, and really sitting with that, that, okay, this is actually something that I see myself doing. Because when you when you go through this exercise, it helps kind of helps you realize like, you are not making a decision on whether to have a baby, you are making the decision on whether you want to become a parent. And if that is going to be a big component of your life. That's something important to consider. And I feel like there's so much attention on the baby stage, because it's, it's crazy. It's chaotic. It's, again, that huge identity shift.

 

But, you know, I had to sit and think about myself with an eight year old, and with a 13 year old and with a 24 year old child like or, you know, kid, adults, whatever. Is this something that I would want to do? And what would my life look like? Now? Of course, there's no certainty, of course, there's no, I think that's why I didn't get specific with it. I wasn't saying like, Oh, I imagine my child coming home from college. And but you know, I didn't imagine any specifics. So try that out, like, get quiet. Think about your future self. Think about the goals and dreams and what you want your life to look like. And this is going to vary, obviously, depending on your age, and you know, but I think that's a helpful exercise outside of having kids, you know, just thinking about what you want in your life, but also this decision on whether to have kids.

 

Yeah. The third thing I will say is, it is okay, if you are never fully 100% on that hell yes, side of the spectrum. When I was 33, and we started, we were like, Okay, let's try this. Let's do it. I think I was surprised that I didn't have baby baby fever, that there was no biological urge that I felt to have children. Because I had been primed by society that this is something that women experience, especially when they're over 30. You know, biological clock is ticking, like, come on. Some people talk about that this like sudden, it's like a switch just gets flipped. And all of a sudden, they're like, obsessed with babies and becoming a mom and stuff. And I that does happen to some people. But that never happened to me, I'm 37 I've had a child, I still have never had that. So if you don't have that, that is not a sign that you are not meant to have kids or meant to have kids or anything like that. That's not a component of it, that you should really have a lot of weight to.

 

It's because you're Yeah, just don't wait for that to be an indicator of whether you should do this or not. And it you know what I'm actually going to, I'm actually going to share one other thing that helped me make the decision because it's it's, and again, this is personal. This is just my own experience. But it is a big component of it that I want to be honest about. I did not want to be when I thought about my life in five years, not not every 10 years, like not wait on the road, but like five or 10 years, when I started doing these visualizations and really thinking about it. I was working was I still work in my core? Yeah, I was still working my corporate job. I was working at this law firm.

 

And I saw some of my co workers who were parents, especially the multiple kids who would have to leave and go right to bad practice or soccer practice and do this and do that and shuffle their kids around. And but and they'd have to, you know, take PTO because their kid was sick and they needed to juggle this and and I don't want it to sound like I'm judging them. I just knew that that was something that was not appealing to me, not necessarily that shuffling kids around to sports practices, like that's fine, but it was just juggling the corporate nine to five and that felt like my heart just sank when I looked at that. And for me, I at the time I was you know, working on building up my editing business. I was still doing it part time it was a side hustle.

 

And it just I just really knew that I wanted to be able to quit my job before I had a baby, or at least be working towards it, even if I wasn't fully able to quit my job yet, by the time we had a child because I was 33, when we started, and if I would have gotten pregnant right away, I still would have been working that corporate job, but at least I would have been making steps towards quitting my job. So I felt like that was a dream that I had that I couldn't put on hold, or push to the side to have a baby, I couldn't sacrifice that I wasn't willing to sacrifice that to stay in his corporate job that I really didn't love, just for the security of it and be like, well, you know, whatever it is what it is, I was not willing to do that. So that felt like an important thing for me to cross off.

 

So I guess with with sharing that I'll say for you, if you are wrestling with it, you know, this isn't a case where you have to like cross off every single thing that you want to do off your list, you have to do this, and this this, because you're never going to travel again, you're never going to have freedom to do this, you're never gonna, that's not what I'm saying. It's more interested, that was a big dream that I had for my life was to be able to quit my job. And I had to at least be working towards that, in order for me to feel comfortable and like I was ready to have a child. So that's something to consider too, like, Are there big things that you want to accomplish before you do this that you haven't done yet. And it can be easy to push this decision or this goalpost of kids off because oh, you know, you have to get this milestone, hey, you have to save up this much money you have to.

 

And the reality is, you know, kids are going to kind of disrupt your life. Like, even if you prepare, you have all your ducks in a row. So I don't think it's like a case of needing to get everything perfectly stripped like squared away before you do this. But in my case, that was something that I definitely had to cross off the list. We so we started trying four years ago, and I will be honest with y'all, I was not fully ready. I think when we, when we started, when we made this decision, I think I was like 90%. Ready, we're ready. But there was still this tiny part of me that was like, am I kind of regret this, because it's so hard, it's so hard to picture, what your life is gonna be like, if you do have a kid because you don't know how you're going to feel. You don't know what your baby's going to be like, you don't know how, if there are going to be health challenges, you don't know how your partner is going to adjust to it, you can't picture what your routine is going to be like, all of this stuff is just, there's no way to prepare for it really, because you don't know what it's going to be like you don't know what you're going to be like once you become a parent.

 

So there was that 10% of me that was like scared and just not fully. Sure. Yeah. Now, we did have a few years of struggling to get pregnant. And, you know, we got this diagnosis of unexplained infertility, which basically just means they can't find a reason why you are having trouble getting pregnant, there's no they ran all the tests, everything was fine on Sam and I and it just wasn't happening. So we did ended up going through IUI. And then one round of IVF. And we made the made the decision with IVF that if it worked great, we would be parents. And if not, we would do one round. That's all we could do financially. And that was it. That was the end of the road, if it wasn't successful, then we would just take that as like a sign, I guess that we were not meant to be pregnant.

 

That was kind of how we worked through it. It just ourselves. And by the time we got to that point of doing IVF I was a lot more sure. Because I'd had you know, two years or so of trying to get pregnant and thinking about it and going through the roller coaster of every month like oh, is it nope, nope, not pregnant again. So I went through that emotional roller coaster of up and down where I didn't know if it was going to happen. I couldn't really like plan things. And it was it was really hard. And so going through that process definitely pushed me further into like, oh, no, this is actually something that I really want. And I'm going to be really sad. If it doesn't work. I'm still I will still be fine. Again, I could picture a version of our life where we didn't have a child and we were both fine. But it it would really have to grieve it and it was something that I wanted.

 

And I just had this sense too that like Sam and I would be good parents, not perfect parents. But I worked through a lot of my stuff, my own trauma from childhood and worked through some mental health stuff. I felt like I was in a good place. He was in a good place. We were in a good place together. And I just felt like we would be pretty decent parents if we got the chance to do it. And thankfully it you know, it worked. We did one round of IVF we had one embryo that made it through and that was that's my daughter. That's Audrey, she's four months old now and it's been it's I think to sum up my parenting experience so far and how I feel about it is I have been pleasantly surprised and delighted by how much I enjoy it.

 

I don't feel like I lost myself at all, I feel completely like my pre baby self, except, except there is a component of me that is so focused on her and in love with her. And I don't know that there is there's room in my brain now for her and my heart and my life. But but I don't feel like a radically different person, I still want the same things for my life, I'm still striving towards the same things, you know, I still have the same interests and hobbies. It's just, I'm like kind of obsessed with her right now. Because she's four months old, and she says stinking cute. And she's starting to engage a lot more. She's like blowing raspberries. And she's starting to half laugh, she does this like half chuckle thing. And she's smiling a lot. It's just, it's the best.

 

But yeah, I don't feel like a radically different person. And that was so terrifying to me. Before I had kids, again, I was just worried I'd become a different person that I wouldn't recognize myself. And it was scary. So maybe that gives you some hope. If you're on the fence that you can, you know, kind of be the same person, while also having space in your heart, in your life in your mind for this baby for this child. And this like unconditional, all consuming love that you feel.

 

Yeah, it's just been, I've been pleasantly surprised I did have some postpartum anxiety. And, you know, I had a difficult birth and recovery it was we had an unplanned C section. So the first month especially was very hard, like harder than I expected. But I'm in a good place. Now. Again, she's four months. And I just feel like I've even said to Sam a few times, like I'm so happy that we decided to do this. And I'm so happy that it worked. Because so many people have infertility, that gut fertility struggles, they do IVF and it doesn't work. And I just feel so lucky and blessed that we are at the place that we're at, like I don't take that for granted. Because I know there's so many people who want to be parents, and just for whatever reason, it doesn't happen.

 

So yeah, I never want to take this for granted. And I'm so grateful. And I'm so happy that we did it that we decided to go for it. And again, it's only been four months, you know, I have no idea what the future holds for us. And for me as a mom, as a parent. Again, I'm still very much like coming to grips with this new part of myself and this identity because it's been a big shift. But it also just feels right. Yeah, it feels right in a way that I can't really explain. If you have more.

 

If you have questions, or you want to hear more about my experience, the things that helped me, you know, I'm happy to talk about this. You can always DM me anonymously. I won't like you know, share your your message or anything on Instagram at the Katie Wolf. And also I have been thinking about doing an episode okay, I'm also just going to really quickly summarize my birth story, my birth experience because I got a question on Instagram on an Ask Me Anything that I did about it. And I was like talking to some people. And I don't know, I just feel like I wanted to share it, but I wasn't sure how to do it. And you know, a lot of people don't follow me for like my pregnancy and birth content. They follow me because I talk about writing. But fuck it. If you don't want to hear about my birth story totally fine. You could just stop the episode now.

 

But if you're curious and you want to hear about it, you can keep listening. And it is again, just a little content warning that it does contain like an unplanned C section. It was difficult. So if you're not in headspace to hear about it, just cut the episode off right here. So I was induced at 39 weeks because I was over 35 And because we did IVF we you know my doctor and I talked about it and decided that that was what we were going to do. And I was so done being pregnant. I was just really struggling at the end. I like was not sleeping. I was physically having just I was uncomfortable.

 

And I was ready. Like yeah, let's do this. So and I had also had false labor for like a few weeks before that where I would have contractions and then sometimes I think one night I had contractions for like 12 hours but they never increased to the point where I had to go to the hospital. It was never it just kind of stalled out. So I was a wreck mentally I'm so anxious. I'm like, let's just do this. So we went in for an induction Saturday night, October 7, that was my scheduled date and went in at 5pm and got everything set up and started on Pitocin which is a drug that kind of helps you who started contractions it kind of speeds things along. And I was one centimeter dilated. So to before you can push before you can actually start to deliver the baby, your cervix has to be 10 centimeters dilated. So you can be at zero centimeters, or you can be 10. And I was at one. So I was just starting to dilate open up a bit, but I wasn't very far along. And so we did Pitocin.

 

Andwe also did, what's the other drug, I'm forgetting a drug it, it helps your cervix open, I can't remember what it's called. Now, we've had plucked it out. But I started having contractions like almost immediately with the with the medication. And they were intense. And I've always heard that contractions on Pitocin are more intense. I don't know if that's true or not. Because this has been my only birth. This is my only experience with it. But they were really intense. So I got the epidural around, we started the medication, everything around like 745. And I got the epidural around 1245. So I labored about five hours, I got to like four centimeters, I think and was like I need the epidural like I can't, I can't do this. I haven't slept really the night before. Because I was just really thinking about the induction, I was kind of anxious. And I knew that if I had, if I wanted to get any sleep at night, I would have to be comfortable. And I was hoping that the epidural would allow me to do that. Now, the epidural was my biggest fear about giving birth, which might sound crazy, because you're pushing a baby out of you. But I was terrified of the epidural. The thought of a needle near my spine made me crazy. But I just was like I talked to my brother who's a doctor, I talked to my doctor, I read information about it. I talked to people who had had epidurals and I just decided, that's what I wanted, I didn't want to do natural birth.

 

So I got the epidural and actually getting it was was okay, it was yes, it was anxious. I was anxious, but it was fine. But what ended up happening is the epidural didn't really work, it worked for maybe like 30 minutes at a time. And what happens when you have an epidural is they have to rotate you from side to side so that you're not on one side too long. So I would not, you know, be like lying on my left side, and then 30 minutes or 45 minutes later, the nurse would come over. And I'd have to rotate over to my right side. And you just have to be moved periodically. And they have to help you because you're numb from the waist down essentially, or you're supposed to be and I was not it dulled the contractions.

 

And I would have periods where it would work for like 30 minutes at a time and then it would wear off. And they kept upping it. And they kept you know, they increase my Pitocin to try to move me along faster. And then my heart rate started to drop. So every time they would up the medication, my heart rate would drop. So then they would have to decrease the medication and give me some other medication to make my heart rate come back up. So they were monitoring me all night and kind of playing this game doing this dance of trying to get me comfortable, but then also trying to prevent my blood pressure from going down even more. So I didn't get any sleep, like at all.

 

And we got I did the Foley balloon which is this balloon that they put inside of your cervix and then just to help it help it along. And anyways, it I progressed pretty quickly to like seven centimeters, I think. And then it took a while to fruit to get to seven from seven to 10. Like the whole next day, all of Sunday. I was just laboring.

 

Yeah. And still getting some relief. Like I think the epidural definitely took the edge off. But it was not. It was not pain free. I could definitely feel contractions, I couldn't move my legs. So by the time I got to 7pm the next night, so like over 24 hours later, I finally was at 10 centimeters, I was ready to push. And I was actually excited by that point because I'm like, Oh, finally like I'm ready. I'm done. I'm so done. Mentally, I'm exhausted. I'm just ready to be done with these contractions like, let's go, let's go. And I pushed for three hours just over three hours, which is a long time.

 

It did not feel like three hours, it probably felt like an hour maybe. And how it works is every time you have a contraction, they tell you to push and you do three pushes. So Sam was holding my hand. I was holding these grips, you know. And he would I would feel contraction coming on because the epidural wasn't really working so I could feel it coming. And on the monitor that I was hooked up to they could see it was starting to have a contraction, so then it would be like, Okay, let's go and I would take a deep breath.

 

And I would push and he would count to 10 and then I would release and then I would do another push he would count to 10 I would release and we did that three times. And then I would have like a 32nd or a minute break because the contractions were coming so quickly. And yeah It felt good to have something to focus on. And I really didn't mind pushing as much as I thought I would like it wasn't. Yeah, I was just ready to move things along. So then after three hours, my doctor was like, you know, she's really kind of stopped progressing. She's not really moving any further down, and her heart rate is also starting to increase.

 

So I think we, I think we kind of have to call it and what ended up happening is her head position was just her head was positioned in a way that made it difficult for her to come out vaginally. So her head was lifted up a little bit like her chin was lifted, like she was looking up. And the doctor said, you know, if you if this was your second, baby, third, fourth, etc, if he had given birth before, then you probably would be able to deliver her but because this is your first it's just it practice is not going to work. We could have you labor forever, and she probably wouldn't, you wouldn't be able to deliver to deliver. So we made the decision to do the C section around like 1015 or so. And everything happened really quickly. They will mean to the the you know, operating room.

 

 It's really bizarre because they put up a curtain so you can't see anything. Sam was there with me and scrubs and a mask and everything. And I felt some pressure down there. But I honestly thought they were just getting things ready. Like I didn't know that they were cutting me open and delivering Audrey at that point. I seriously thought they were just getting ready. And then, you know, we heard a cry. And I was like, Wait, that's it that that's she just was delivered, like holy shit.

 

So the actual C section was so quick, like they within minutes she was out. But what happened is I from a combination of I think medicine and just adrenaline and hormones, I was shaking so badly, I was almost vibrating off the table, my entire body was shaking so horribly. That I when they brought her out, you know, they put her on my chest right away, which was really important to me, I wanted to have skin to skin. I wanted to have her on my chest. But I couldn't. I felt like I couldn't hold her because I was shaking so badly. I felt like it wasn't safe.

 

So and I was also so nauseous that I felt like I was gonna throw up. So I said I can't I can't do this. And I was like crying and you know, we got a really sweet picture like it was really to capture the moment when she was placed on my chest. And you know, saying was Sam was right there. So like, I'm glad we have that picture to capture that. But it was it was tough, that I couldn't have that time with her. So they brought her over, you know, Sam did the umbilical cord cut that. And, you know, they got her way they checked her out, everything was fine.

 

And then they Sam took Audrey into the nursery so that they could, you know, kind of stitch me up and start my recovery. And they gave me some medicine because I still felt like I was gonna throw up and I was still shaking so badly. They gave me medicine that made me to help the nausea. But it made me so drowsy or I basically couldn't stay awake. So after I was, you know what, everything was fine with the C section. It was it was great. There were no complications, they wheeled me into the nursery, so I could be with Sam and Audrey. And they put me you know, they kind of sat my bed up a little bit so I could hold her but I I was nodding off. I couldn't I could not stay awake. So I and they were trying I was trying to breastfeed her but I couldn't because I just could barely hold her. It was a mess.

 

So and I just felt I just like passed out. I fell asleep because I couldn't stay up. So then I woke up in the recovery room. And you know, from there things were okay, like things were I got to hold her. We started breastfeeding, all that all that stuff. But, you know, it's like, on one hand, I'm so grateful that we had a good experience in terms of like, there were no complications. We had a great team. I loved my nurses. I loved my daughter even more after she delivered Audrey, it was a great experience that way and I'm so freakin happy Sam was there by my side the whole time. Like I don't know how I would have gotten through this without him.

 

And another upside of it is that he got to bond with Audrey right away. Like they got to have that time in the nursery. He gave her a bit of formula. So it was like they got to have time while I was kind of recovering. But it's hard, you know, I wanted I kind of expected things to go a certain way. I never thought that I would have a C section. And I didn't get to have that kind of bonding time right after she was born. And that was hard. It was it was hard that things didn't go the way I planned. And again, I It's like I'm so grateful that I'm okay that she's okay that everything went fine.

 

But it's still there was a bit of grieving that I had to do that things didn't go the way I planned and that it was a lot harder than I expected. Breastfeeding was also really really hard in the beginning were like getting her to latch in the hospital. You know the physical recovery worry, oh my gosh, the first like, 24 hours after a C section. I mean, you're, it's horrible. It's horrible the pain and, you know having to, to have help to stand and shuffle to the bathroom. Ah, just, yeah, there's a lot of physical recovery.

 

But this is the wild thing to I'll say one last thing about this, if I, like, I'm glad that this happened when it did, I'm glad I'm alive in the time that I'm alive. Because if this had happened, I don't know, 100 years in the past, I would not be here I like would not have survived. Andrey  wouldn't have either. So it's like, Thank God for modern medicine and for the ability to do you know, C sections so quickly. And so I don't want to say effortlessly, because it's a lot of effort. But yeah, I'm just grateful for modern medicine. I'm grateful I was in good hands. And, you know, my mom was here, when we got home, we stayed in the hospital for two nights and then came home.

 

And so she was able to help me, you know, a lot those first days with the recovery and just help with, you know, everything because I couldn't really, I couldn't really do much. I could walk a little bit, but that was about it. And yeah, so that's my, that's my birth story. I hope it's not too much of a downer. But I want to be honest, you know, I remember when I was pregnant, I watched a lot of birth stories from people like on Tik Tok and YouTube and stuff. And I only watched positive ones, which I think was the right decision. But in hindsight, I wish I would have kind of looked into C sections more and just kind of been familiar with what happens and what the recovery is like. Because again, I just like never thought I would have a C section.

 

But, you know, shit happens. If you're, if you're listening to this, and you have decided to have kids and you're anxious about birth or pregnancy or whatever, like, your birth is not going away, not you can't predict how your birth is going to go. Not everything will go exactly the way that you plan. Even if you are a planner and a control freak like me, there's just no way stuffs gonna happen. You know, you can't plan for every little thing, you just can't. So the best advice I would have is to just go in with an open mind, make sure that you have a good team around you people that you trust, whether it's a midwife, a birthing center, doula doctor, your partner, your mom, whatever, just people around you that you trust.

 

And also just know that like, you know, if things don't go according to plan, it doesn't say anything about you, or your body, or your ability to birth a baby. Like none of that. You know, I saw a lot of stuff online when I was pregnant about like, Your body knows what to do, like, just trust your body. And I think that's true to a certain extent. But I trusted my body, I my body knew what to do in terms of like, you know, getting fully dilated with some help from the medication, obviously, but pushing like all of that, but yet, my body couldn't like fully push her out. And I didn't internalize that as like, Oh, I'm a failure, or my body didn't do it supposed to. It's just, it says nothing about me as a person or my body. So I want you to remember that as well. Because there can be a lot of rhetoric around like, oh, just you know, your, again, your body knows what to do, like, trust your intuition, like women are made to do this.

 

So I don't know, I think we need to take all that with a grain of salt. But yeah, that's my birth experience. Four months out. Now I feel like I'm kind of I guess recovered from it. Like I can talk about it and not get emotional or feel a lot of like really strong emotions about it. I'm just grateful that I have Audrey and that She's here and she's happy and healthy. And so am I you know, I'm four months in four months out, rather and doing well. So I think that's important to kind of keep in mind too.

 

Okay, that's my first story. And a lot of information about whether or not you want to have kids this might be like one of my longest episodes, but thank you for listening or watching I really appreciate it and hope this hope that this gave you some hope or some, you know, help I guess when it comes to making this decision. So Alright, see you next time.

Katie Wolf